you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i just made my gag reflex go away.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
