My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
