wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize