his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
