I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize