Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
