honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I need to stop coming to work sober
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
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