He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize