did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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