god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
My ATM looks so different sober.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
