I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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