Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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