I can text with my tongue
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
