Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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