she was so not down for the gang bang
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
