I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
