At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
