dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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