could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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