John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize