Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
