I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
