I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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