Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
