So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
