new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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