Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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