he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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