god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
