Swine flu. Run for my life!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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