My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
