god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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