i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
