Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
