she looked like the before picture.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize