gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize