How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
