I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I am midnight drunk by noon
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
