watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
