I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Less talking, more tequila
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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