The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
