Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
