guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
