She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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