that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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