no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
