took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
