Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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