I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
