Quick, to the slutcave!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
