When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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