...so i touched it.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize