Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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