i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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