i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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