You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
