Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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