Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
