So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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