If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
