First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
