she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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